How Do You Make Him Talk to You After a Fight? | Marriage Life
This article is strictly for wives. And on behalf of many good husbands everywhere, I want to attempt to tell their side. I want to tell their side while helping good wives learn to deal with the SILENCE….tum! tum! Tum! The silence from their husbands after a fight.
Let’s get a few things out of the way first.
“What about when he is the one that’s wrong?!” Great question, I’ll save that for another article, this article covers the times when YOU, the wife, are wrong.
“What if BOTH of us said things in our argument that we were wrong for? Why must I try to get HIM to talk?!” Great point. This article is in the context of you needing to be the one to initiate conversation after the fight. Think of all the times he had to come to you after an argument.
“He should be the one to talk to me. That’s what a real man would do.” It’s good to have expectations. (sometimes) It’s not wise to have unfair expectations. In a marriage, TWO become one. It’s the responsibility of the two to deal with problems. Sometimes you should initiate, sometimes he should initiate.
For this article though, ladies, wives, I need you to understand that we will be talking about times where YOU are the one in the wrong, and he has fallen silent.
I know many women will read this and say something like, “you’re a man, of course, you will side with men.” There is nothing I can say that will remove that feeling if you’re determined to feel that way. However, I will still try by saying this.
Sin affects both genders. At the core of our beings are thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that don’t align with what God desired from husbands and wives. Pride alone is a sin that will get you to say, “it’s their fault, not mine.” Imagine being stuck in that sinful cycle of thinking you are blameless. What type of damage do you think it will do to your marriage? And that’s just ONE sin.
Sometimes husbands are wrong. Sometimes wives are wrong.
Men can be prideful, stubborn, or overly logical to the point that their wives’ feelings go unheard, or unappreciated. And I will have articles addressing that.
Let’s be fair too, ladies. Women can be irrational, selfish, and emotionally manipulative. (I’m not saying men don’t often exhibit these tendencies too. But, if your mind immediately went to thinking that men also do those things, instead of seeing the point, that is even more reason that this article is needed.)
Ladies, wives, sometimes you’re wrong. I know you feel like you’re not. I know you may even come up with many reasons you have reasons to feel how you feel. But, sometimes, at least sometimes, you are wrong, and your husband has chosen NOT to speak because regardless of what he says, it will be turned around on him. And when that happens, you fail to see your wrong. So, he thinks to himself, “why say anything at all?”
Honestly, the details of the argument are irrelevant. Did it go something like the following?
You two disagreed about something. You said how you felt, he said how he felt. You two couldn’t come up with a compromise. Was there yelling? Name-calling? Now, he has stopped talking at all and remained silent. Did it go something like that?
Let’s look at the possible reasons he has remained silent before we talk about how we get your husband to talk after the fight.
Don’t take these reasons as a way of me saying that it is all your fault. These reasons are just a way of diagnosing what could have contributed to his silence. And hopefully, a way of making you more conscious of something you may be doing (maybe subconsciously) or not doing, that leads to your husband being silent.
You not hearing his side- Many times you may ‘feel’, that your feelings are FACT. When that happens, whether you realize it or not, you tend to dismiss his feelings. You set your feelings as a priority in the conversation. Anything said only addresses how you feel, and his feelings don’t get the fair attention the conversation needs.
Manipulation- Yes, yes, men manipulate too. Right now though, we are talking about you. Good men, who are too good outside of a marriage end up in the infamous friend zone. Good men, that are too good (not perfect) men in marriage, end up being manipulated to mainly keep their wives happy. While their needs come 2nd. Disagree? Let’s briefly talk about a popular quote that often circulates marriages. “Happy wife, happy life.” Does that sound familiar? Does that saying communicate that both you and your husband’s feelings are important? Or does it communicate that your feelings are a priority in the marriage? Manipulation/control tends to happen because you want your way. Your feelings tell you that you should have your way. And sometimes you will do what is necessary, often what is sinfully necessary to have your way. And when you do that, your husband suffers, and eventually shuts down. Especially if he can’t get you to see it.
Your stubbornness- If you have a good husband, then usually, to make you happy, he lets you have your way. You may even have a husband that doesn’t ask for much. The is a bad side to that though, you get used to having things your way. That creates stubbornness. Or perhaps you are naturally stubborn or hard-headed, to begin with, and your husband has chosen to deal with that as one of the flaws you have that he must live with. The problem with that is, even if your husband lets you have your way 9 out of 10 times, the one time you don’t get your way will be a huge problem for both of you. Why? It will be a problem for you because you’re not getting your way at the moment. How many times he has given you your way at other times won’t matter. It will be a problem for him because he is determined not to give you your way with this ONE. He will feel he has a right to be happy too, and it isn’t fair that he always has to be the less stubborn one.
There are numerous examples that I can use, but I’ll stop right there and focus on depth, more than width.
Now, why would your husband shut down, and stop talking with point #1? Well, I can’t speak for all men everywhere, but I can speak for the many men I have talked to for over 20 years on the subject. A wife not hearing their husband’s side is probably the most common problem that leads to a husband’s silence. This happens because a wife feels strongly about something that has happened, is happening, or will happen and then that feeling causes her to intensely focus on her. That intense focus blocks out the possibility of her feelings being wrong. And when that possibility isn’t even an option, your husband’s feelings are automatically ignored. After all, if they are not agreeing with you, they are contributing to the problem, right?
So instead of yet again trying to show you how just because you feel something strongly, doesn’t mean he’s feeling doesn’t matter, he chose to forego yet another futile argument, and remain silent.
Point #2, the manipulation. We’re human, and manipulation is done. We don’t have to spend time proving that manipulation happens, because it happens. Let’s be honest about that. Sometimes it is done subconsciously. Sometimes it is done purposely. Sometimes it is done and you may think you mean well. However, there isn’t a place for it in conversations with someone that loves you and is spiritually bonded to you under God.
Not sure when you are being manipulative? Let me share a few phrases.
“If you love me you’ll…”
“If you want me to be happy…..”
“I guess I don’t matter to you….
All these are an attempt to control your husband, and manipulate him. Yes, yes, men manipulate too, butttttt… right now we are talking about you.
Those manipulation tactics are no-win for him. Sometimes he gives in knowing what you are doing. Yet, other times, he has to make a stand when he feels something is truly unacceptable. During those unacceptable times, he may yell, he may argue, he may do many things that you find unacceptable from a loving husband. He may do those things, he probably has done those things, but in this particular instance, he has chosen to just remain silent.
Let’s look at the last reason for your husband’s silence that I mentioned. Your stubbornness. Many wives over the years have said that the biggest problems they have with their husbands regarding communication, is the fact that they DON’T communicate. Why do you think that is, sometimes?
One reason that is the fact that many times a husband, or a man will tell you how they feel, or what they want and YOUR feelings take priority anyway. How long would you continue to share your feelings with a “wall”? By the wall, I am trying to get you to picture an unreasonable amount of stubbornness. You go into the conversation with ONE idea, ONE feeling, ONE expectation and you LEAVE the conversation without changing anything. Regardless of what points he makes. Regardless of how he feels. Regardless of how patient he is, or how he respectfully communicates. What husband would want to talk to their wife, who doesn’t make them feel important enough to be able to influence a change in their behavior?
Makeup after a fight, the old-fashioned way
“Pride ends more potential forevers than death does.”
Saying, “I’m sorry,” is extremely difficult for many spouses. Both men and women have a problem with those words. Why? Often it’s because spouses are fighting for control in their marriage. If you’re seeking to hold on to some element of power, that can’t properly be maintained if one is constantly apologizing. I understand, but, it doesn’t make it right. Shift from that mindset to the thoughts of Jesus. Marriage was meant to be a MUTUAL submission of two people in union under God. Submission involves an act of vulnerability. That goes in the complete opposite direction that the world takes. Instead of control (the world), and power, one thinks of service and submission.
Making up after a fight is understanding that you both are sinful creatures, and sometimes as the wife, you will be wrong, and your husband deserves to hear you acknowledge it. And have you sought to make it up to him with some sort of physical activity? To add to that, a commitment to improving what you are habitually apologizing for go hand and hand. If I slapped you in the face and said sorry. Then slapped you in the face and said sorry. Then slapped….you get the point. Eventually, a change of behavior has to happen for those words to be meaningful.
I said that because I have had many women say that they apologize to their significant other and wondered why it didn’t change anything. Well, YOU didn’t change anything in your behavior.
Use Technology for Romance
Many times a face-to-face conversation is needed to resolve serious problems. That is highly recommended. Are text messages by default then, the devil? I don’t agree with that.
How can you use text messages to improve your communication and specifically improve your romance?
Easy. Many women have a problem with talking calmly when they are highly emotional. Take a breather, collect yourself, walk away from the conversation, and tell your husband you want to respect him and you think it’s better you text.
Texting provides a good way to train yourself on how you should talk in person. Write the text, reread it over and over to make sure you are not attacking him, trying to guilt-trip him, or shifting blame. Keep the text short, and follow the, “I feel this, and I want to understand how you feel,” model.
Throughout the day tell him how you feel. Text him that you can’t wait to hug him, or kiss him, or see him again. If you are currently in conflict, tell him how you could have done better your last argument.
Text him and ask him in what ways could you make him feel closer to you. All these add to the romance and intimacy in your marriage.
Communication in marriage is difficult. But, who says it has to be complicated?