Healthy Communication in Marriage | Marriage Life
Healthy communication in marriage is communication aligned with the Will of God. In other words, effectively communicating in marriage is defined by communication God would approve. God created everything in existence, with words.
Want to avoid many communication marriage problems?
Maybe you should try truly trusting God with how you use your words in marriage. When that happens, I then believe that communicating in a relationship will be greatly easier.
That is where we start. We don’t start with how we feel communication should be unless that feeling is grounded in Scripture. We don’t communicate in marriage based on how we think unless how we think are thoughts aligned with truths revealed in Scripture.
The quickest way to cause marriage problems is to solely rely on how you think communication should be, or how you feel marriage communication should go.
I’m not saying that our thoughts and feelings are always wrong. I am simply saying that we often rely on them too much. We rely on them to the point that if our spouse disagrees, we treat them as if they are automatically wrong.
When we make our imperfect thoughts, and imperfect feelings our absolute “measure” of truth, it leads to many many marriage problems that, God, through Scripture, has taught us to avoid.
Now, what happens when we feel or think something strongly, yet, we are wrong? Do we automatically change our convictions? Usually, no… Usually, we are blind to our wrongness and treat our spouses with the same attitude we would have if God Himself infused you with those thoughts and feelings.
A Bible verse that comes to mind is:
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
That Bible verse isn’t specifically talking about marriage or marriage communications. However, I believe that the truth that verse states definitely applies to communication in marriage.
How? The ‘take captive every thought,’ is referring to strongholds. Strongholds are incorrect thoughts, ideas, or feelings that are contrary to the Will of God. Sin is defined biblically often as ‘missing the mark.’ When we have strongholds about communication in our marriage, we miss the mark, or the bullseye that God had in mind for how we should communicate.
Communicating our way, instead of His way, will lead to marriage problems.
For example, God clearly teaches in Scripture that husbands are to love their wives like Jesus loved the church right? What if a husband chose to focus on loving his wife like he saw his mother loved by his father?
Maybe that example of love is a good one to model. But, that’s irrelevant, the point is that we as imperfect humans should not be the starting point, God is the moral compass and His words are what we are to emulate in all that we do.
Let me give a more precise example. Some husbands believe that women are too emotional, and because of that, their wives shouldn’t listen to how they (the husbands) say something. Instead, wives should learn to appreciate the truth, these type of husbands think.
In other words, forget if husbands are rude, or insensitive, wives should overlook their emotional reaction to what is being said for the appreciation of the truth.
I totally and completely believe in appreciating the truth and being committed to being truthful.
Do you see how a husband thinking this falls victim to a stronghold?
I commend the husband who wants his wife to value truth but does that excuse his insensitivity, and lack of tact?
“But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ..”
Let His Holy Words guide your words. Understand what Bible verses teach about marriage, about love, and more specifically how we are to tame our wicked tongues.
How to Improve Communication in Marriage
Wait! Can it be that simple?
The answer is simple. Working on that answer, however, not so much.
Is losing weight simple? Of course! Just take in burn more calories than you take in. Denying yourself that rack of ribs at dinner time, that’s the tough part.
I have a question. Who says communicating with your spouse has to be complicated?
Want to know how to communicate with your spouse effectively? Don’t yell at her, K.I.S.S her. Keep it simple stupid. Yay! I always wanted to use that acronym in my writings. I think I used it for cleverly…..No? Darn it.
The most challenging thing about marriage communication isn’t communicating, believe it or not. It’s the PEOPLE that are communicating NOT working on the flaws they bring into the conversation.
Our marriage life would be a happy married life if as spouses we strive to continually take the “plank out of their eye.”
That ‘plank’, is referring to the sin in our lives that we may be blind to. Pun intended. When we are not aware of our sins then converse with your spouse, what usually happens is we think that your spouse is the one with the communication problems and not us. (starting to see a reoccurring theme yet?)
Yes, I know, sometimes it is our spouse that causes marriage problems, but, the perspective I am writing from here is when we are the problem.
I think it’s safe to agree with the statement that no one is perfect. How then are we dealing with those imperfections? What exactly are you doing to work on your flawed being? An even better question is this. Can you be aware of all of your flaws?
Developing a relationship with Jesus helps you become more and more aware of how you fall short of perfection.
You ever been on a job, and had a coworker who worked hard? Did the thought ever come to your mind that you weren’t working hard enough? That maybe you needed to step your game up?
It takes someone perfect, to guide us into perfection. We won’t ever achieve that perfection in our lifetime, but going in the direction of that perfection is the goal.
Developing a relationship with Jesus helps you deal with the sin in your life. And consequently dealing with that sin often directly and indirectly improves communication within marriage.
Example: Ever had prideful moments while communicating with your spouse? (rhetorical question) Of course, you have. Let’s turn to a Bible verse about that you can use in your marriage.
“ For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life is not from the Father, but is from the world.”
Now then, the question becomes how do you develop that relationship with Jesus?
- Study the Bible
- Seek to live as Jesus lived to the best of your ability
- Join a church community that holds you accountable
As you develop a relationship with Jesus, you start to develop a desire to work on the sinful part of you. That desire then reveals more and more areas in your being where you could be ‘being’ a better wifey, or hubby for your spouse.
Focusing on the YOU in unity doesn’t mean that you are solely focused on your needs. It means focusing on how you can consistently improve for your spouse that you are in union with.
That is a tremendous shift from thinking about what we are getting or not getting from our spouse. Something that tends to happen frequently, by the way.
This is a really powerful tip, one that goes overlooked. I think I should do a separate blog post on that alone.
Commit not to have your spouse continually suffer from your flaws or imperfections. Pick one flaw a month, and consistently work on that flaw. Don’t focus on your spouse at all, simply focus on becoming a better you in the YOUnion. (union)
Scriptures on Communication in Marriage
Here is what I want I want to do with this section. I want to look at Bible verses with you and share my thoughts on it from the perspective of a husband who has been married 10 years. Included in that 10 years is 4 years of long-distance marriage. (during those 4 years my wife and I only saw each other 3 times in person)
With these Bible verses on marriage I am not going to do an exposition perse, I am just going to share some wisdom that will hopefully help you develop some mindsets that will greatly improve the communication in your marriage.
“…and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh..”
Unity– you ever realize how ‘union’ is in the word come UNION cation? Poor communication leads to arguments. Arguments lead to division. Division leads to DI-vorce. See the pattern?
I am so passionate about helping spouses achieve more unity in their marriage that my book above focuses on it. And not to mention I specifically focus on that verse. I strongly believe that truly understanding that verse leads you in the direction of heavenly unity in marriage.
The key thing to remember is that “it’s not about you, it’s about YOU TWO.” It’s about how you two feel. It’s about what you two want. It’s about meeting the needs and expectations of you both.
It is so easy to conceptually understand that. From the word unity, you may think of togetherness, teamwork, partnership, etc. Not hard to understand, is it?
What becomes extremely difficult is not focusing on your feelings and perspective while communicating. Master that, and it will drastically reduce the frequency of your arguments. That is seriously the best tip I can give anyone. Unfortunately, the depth of that truth will go over many people’s heads.
Check out my Instagram page when I talk frequently about unity in marriage, and that verse specifically.
“This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;”
Powerful techniques-This is by far 3 of the most powerful communication techniques that I know of. At first glance, it doesn’t seem like it. If you think deeply about it you’ll see how these tips can you keep your conversations peaceful and joyful.
- Quick to hear- During arguments, stop being so quick to give a rebuttal. Stop “listening” to respond, listen to understand. You may discover that what you were mad, frustrated, or annoyed about wasn’t even worth it. You misunderstood your spouse’s intentions.
- Slow to speak- Stop your words and think about it. If you are upset in the moment, then glue your mouth shut, and come back to the conversation later. When you do speak, speak to resolve the problems, not point fingers.
- Slow to anger- Patience. Patience. Patience. Imagine the Grace that God gives us with our many, sometimes daily sins. Extend that to your spouse. Not to mention the imperfections that you have, that they have to be patient with.
” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
God’s love- I know you many of you reading this probably expected to see this bible verse about love on this list. A few things I want you to take away from this verse.
- As humans, we often define love by what we need at the moment. Or we tend to define love by what we hope to get from our spouse. There is no standard, it is constantly changing, a leads to never getting to a point of being content. That is a sad never-ending cycle to go through. Learn to define love by His definition, not yours
- Notice how the definition starts with ‘Love is patient.” Patient in the original language means long-suffering. Doesn’t that sound sexy? Think of a parent and child relationship. Regardless of how well you bring up your child, they will ignore your wisdom and make mistakes. They will go through times where they don’t appreciate you. Your kids will cause you to suffer, and if they are good kids, they won’t cause you to suffer purposely. The point in that illustration is that love, unfortunately, requires suffering. Understand that, and it will make it easier to be patient. That thought is far from a Hollywood romance movie right?
Hope this was helpful. May the communication in your marriage be blessed by His Will.