Romance in Marriage – Romantic Tips for Couples | Marriage Life
I gotta be honest here. I don’t recall reading too many good articles about Romance from a Christian perspective. I recall reading many that were biblical. And by that sense, it was good!
By good though (for this point), I mean in the sense that helps clear up the mystery of romance practically.
Now, I need you all to understand something. Understanding romance is something I took VERY seriously growing up. Why? Well…*clears throat*…I was the emperor of the infamous FRIEND ZONE.
Ohhh, you knowww the friend zone. That’s the zone men or women get into where the person you are into doesn’t see you romantically AT ALL. I…..was….the emperor of the friend zone. And it definitely wasn’t by choice. I just had the type of persona that gave women the friendship desire.
While many of the athletes or charismatic guys around me created desires of more-than-friends vibes.
The friend zone sucked! But wait, Felice, “Friendships are the foundation of great marriages.”
Yes. You are right. But, that foundation can’t be built if the person has absolutely no desire to go beyond that. So, stuck in the friend zone I was.
Did I mention the friend zone sucked?! *says a quick prayer for all the guys in the friend zone everywhere*
Well, in case I didn’t….umm…the friend zone….sucked. But, the good thing that came out of it I suppose, was the observations I was able to make.
Did I mention how SERIOUSLY I took this research? And how much the friend zone…….I think you get the point.
We start here
Many Christian articles talk about romance by doing an exposition of the Song of Solomon. Here is one I liked. Click here.
Honestly, I am not skilled enough in the exposition of the book to be able to approach it from that angle. Here is an article I read that I enjoyed about the topic here. Click here.
I’d like to take a philosophical and hopefully what you believe is a simple, practical approach. And correct me where I am wrong if these words or my approach doesn’t appear to align with His perfect truth.
Let’s get a few things out of the way.
Romance in its proper context is meant to only be enjoyed between husband and wife.
Romance is for BOTH the husband and the wife.
Sometimes you must teach your spouse your romantic needs, desires, or expectations.
What is romance? In my experience, when you ask someone that, what often happened, is that they gave you an example of a romantic gesture. They didn’t define it literally. You ask a woman what romance is and they may say, “You know when they buy you flowers.”
A man receiving romance from a woman isn’t exactly a popular topic amongst the fellas but, if somehow you manage to ask a guy that he may say something similar to, “Her being thoughtful or sexy I guess.”
Do a quick google search of the word romance and you will see romance defined as, “a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.”
If I stopped my article right here, would you understand what romance was or wasn’t? I won’t speak for you, but that definition wouldn’t have helped me decades ago trying to figure that out.
So, what is romance then? What is an easy, practical way of looking at it?
Well, everyone may define it differently. But, in my opinion, it just comes down to doing (or saying) something unexpected, and thoughtful to show your spouse you care, they are awesome (the more specific the better) and that you just want them to know that without expecting anything in return.
That’s it. Are there levels to it? Yes. Can I explain romance in more detail? Sure. But, that’s the core ingredients, and core ingredients are often used to cook many types of dishes.
If I tell you to picture flowers in your spouse’s car, you may not think that’s too romantic right?
But if I tell you that one random day, when my wife went to work, I took the spare key to her car, got in my car and drove to her job. I found her car and put flowers in her car seat. With a note that said, “from a secret admirer.”
The thoughtfulness was in the act of me driving there (about a 30-minute drive), and having to search for her car. The flowers were the salt on the meat. The flowers were the flavor in the drink.
The flowers were magnified by the thoughtful (an act that took effort) act that preceded it.
You ever have someone give you what I call an “empty compliment?” The compliment was just a poor attempt to flatter you, maybe for manipulative purposes. (*cough cough* Narcissist) What separates an empty compliment from a good compliment? Many things. One thing is the fact that the compliment is specific.
Bad unspecific compliment: “You are such a good cook. I mean, you are good. I bet you are the main cook at your house, aren’t you? When are you going to cook for me.” Blah Blah Blah
Good specific compliment: “This macaroni and cheese are amazing. The only other mac n cheese I have ever liked was my mothers.” *sings* Hereee comes the briddddeeee….
See the difference? Thoughtfulness done unexpectedly shows your spouse you love them, value them, or appreciate them often creates the excitement aka adrenaline rush aka the scientific chemical rush that your body feels. The rush that makes your heart drop, or beat faster. The rush that makes you feel the effects from the term that many people call “being in love.”
Advice for a More Romantic Relationship
Be more romantic. The end. Goodbye.
Still here? Dang, it. I guess I gotta explain just how you do that eh? Yes, I said gotta. I don’t always feel like speaking properly. Geez. The pressure.
If you follow my blog (and I hope you do) or if you have read my book ( link book below) you will know that the core message of my book, is UNITY. Many people don’t think of unity the way I believe scripture intends spouses to unite. Many people think of unity as going half and half with a bill you get on a date from a restaurant.
“We are ‘one’ in finances! 50/50!” Umm, no, that isn’t what I believe scripture teaches about unity.
By unity, in that example with the bill, whether your husband paid the bill, or your wife paid the bill it wouldn’t matter anyway. Since it is YOUR (you two) money. Case in point, my wife and I have one account for the bills where all our income comes in. That account takes care of the bills. We have side accounts for our expenses.
What does unity have to do with getting advice for a more romantic relationship?
Is there a mutual understanding of what romance is for your marriage? Or do you two have TWO DIFFERENT views or feelings for romance? The husband may feel that the frequency in which he seeks to have sex with his wife should be considered romantic.
Do you think most wives would consider the frequency of sex their husband wants as romantic? Men, don’t answer this. It was a trick question. The answer is no.
The wife may feel that her being romantic for her husband is making herself available for his sexual needs. Frequency of sex often isn’t turned down by their husbands, which seems to confirm her feeling of this being the way to be romantic.
Ladies, you think women don’t want to be pursued and desired too? Do you think simply making yourself available makes him feel desirable?
Communication is important in marriage. Communication is important in all relationships and talking about romance with your spouse is the FIRST piece of advice I have for you.
What does your wife find to be romantic? What does your husband think romance is? How do you feel during a romantic moment? Picture a day full of romance. What would it be like? Talk about it. Remember the conversations. Meditate on it. Picture it. Watch some romantic movies and talk about the parts you found romantic. Explore why you think certain scenes, certain words, or certain acts in the movie are romantic.
That isn’t the time to argue about what it means to be romantic. Or what you find to be corny or cliché. Simply talk about what moves and ignore what doesn’t.
From that awareness, you can start to build an awareness of how YOU TWO view romance. Some people may think that “it’s not romantic if you tell them. They just have to know.” I get it, but, even if you know, and it is done at an unexpected time, it still produces the emotion that makes you feel special.
I remember asking my wife a list of songs that she loved. She gave me a list of songs that had R&B and reggae which included many songs from one of her favorite reggae artist, Jah Cure. She even hinted that the list she gave me would be a great list to make love to.
I pretended to ignore her, and maybe a month later, I randomly set the mood in our bedroom with the playlist playing in the background, candles lit in the room, and I poured some wine. I gave her a massage while she listened to the playlist that she chose.
Still produced romantic feelings in her. The act HAS TO be unexpected. That is immensely important.
Over time, from doing the things you know your spouse would find romantic at unexpected times you will get more and more creative. From that creativity, you can experiment. If they don’t think the experiment was romantic, ok, now you know. No biggie. Make a mental note to try something different.
Sometimes it isn’t really that you have to try something different, sometimes it may just be trying that same thing in a different setting, or at a different time.
Romance doesn’t have to be that complicated. This article probably isn’t what you are used to. Most of the time people are used to certain techniques that tell you what to do. Techniques are important, I suppose.
But, honestly, I find the mindsets one should have when learning something to be more important. And the main mindset I want you to have is to be unexpected(that creates mystery) thoughtful, unselfish, and specifically do an act, or say a thing, or create an atmosphere for your spouse that says, “I love you. I adore you. I find you special. I care. You are worth the extra effort.”
But, I’ll give some the 3t’s (ya’ll remember that group?) anyway.
Time the romance when your spouse is already in a good mood.
Relax them then romance them. Find different ways to relax your spouse.
Make sure the day wasn’t filled with complaints, criticisms, or condemnations.
Resolve any disputes that you may have between you two well beforehand.
Be genuine, don’t use romance as a means to…anything.
You should appreciate your spouse’s romantic efforts.
Take your time. Be patient. Don’t seek to rush to a destination.
Make a lot of eye contact.
Genuinely compliment, specifically.
Be present. Your spouse has you mesmerized.
The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance
If you think about it. Essentially, what separates a friend, and a lover that is hopefully your spouse is romance. Those feelings associated with romance that you feel for that person. Not having those feelings can lead to your spouse feeling like a friend, a roommate, or just a business partner.
The last thing you want your spouse, the one that you are not only spiritually connected with, mentally connected with, emotionally connected with, and romantically connected with to feel is like a friend. That type of feeling tends to lead to a spouse feeling undesirable. And when a spouse feels undesirable, Satan often uses that to lead that spouse into Adultery. Jesus. Bless our marriages.
Anything you wish I covered? Let me know in the comments below.