Solid Communication Is the Key Element of Every Relationship | Marriage Life

Solid Communication Is the Key Element of Every Relationship | Marriage Life

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”(John 1:1).

 

 

“God’s Word should direct your words.”

What is solid communication? Is solid communication a good thing? How do you go about creating solidity(honestly my first time using that word) in communication during your marriage?

All great questions. Where do you start your search for the answers?

His word. The Bible.

For those who you who read my book (insert book link) you know my research of over 20 years in relationships firmly established my belief that the starting point of seeking solutions to relationships starts with our relationship with Christ. A relationship that should be deeply demonstrated by the commitment to His truths. In other words, by living His words, through your life.

This is the starting point. I go on to say in my book that “imperfect people, can only hope to be perfected by the perfect person.”

Why do we need to undergo the process of being perfect? We need the process because:

  • Our sinful nature entirely affects our being and affect our reasoning.
  • We are often blind to those effects, and our spouses tend to suffer because of that.

Now, I am but a layman in the Word of God, and perhaps I am oversimplifying such a deep concept in Christianity,(Total Depravity, and the Noetic Effects of Sin) but, allow me to be simple, so I can offer some easily applied practical advice.

What is solid communication? The mind affected by sin answers that question with their feelings, experiences, or ideas. I am NOT saying that feelings can’t be right. Or that experiences and ideas can’t be true. However, you really think that is a more credible starting point than the Word of God?

“Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.”

John 17:17

How do you answer ‘yes’ to that question if you are a Christian?

Here’s the problem. The problem isn’t the fact that many Christians wouldn’t agree that God’s Word should come first. The problem is that many Christians (even I at times) are not aware of when or how God’s Word is not leading our life. His Word is being pushed aside (many times subconsciously) by our feelings, experiences, ideas, selfishness, lack of belief, etc.

What is solid communication?  We may FEEL like solid communication means that when you tell your spouse something you are feeling, them understanding automatically means that they agree. Don’t be so quick to disagree, I have watched HUNDREDS of couples subconsciously assume this definition.

For example, from time to time when I am out of the house and I am coming home I’ll pick up delicious meals (because I am a huge foodie) from either somewhere my wife and I have eaten before, or a new place we wanted to try. My wife’s little sister (16) stays with us, and there are many times where I would bring home food for my wife and I and would not bring home food for my sister-in-law.

Now, before you label me unfairly, let me quickly say that there are also many times where I bring food home for my wife, and her sister. However, I don’t think that is an act that is to be expected. I don’t think that is an act that I am obligated to do. After all, we keep plenty of food in the house.

During one of the times where I bring food for my wife and not her sister, my wife gets upset. Then she tells me, “I told you how I feel about that.” What you’re reading currently reading in this blog won’t convey is that in her saying those words what she meant was, “I told you how I feel about that, so you shouldn’t do it.”

Her feelings felt that it was wrong, therefore I should automatically agree.

I understood why she felt it was wrong, but it didn’t matter that I understood. It didn’t matter because I did not agree, and therefore she didn’t get what she wanted. Me to change that behavior.

“Feelings are guides, feelings are not fact.”

Solid communication does include understanding, but don’t confuse understanding with automatically agreeing. The core message in my movement to improve messages is based on Mark 10:8, “AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.”

Practically, two becoming one flesh means that marriage and situations within marriage are no longer solely approached from the vantage point of the individual. We approach the marriage from our feelings, or thoughts of the pair.

In the situation, I gave of my wife and me, was she considering how I felt? Or was she SOLEY focused on how she felt?

I am guilty of doing this to her too. All humans are guilty of this. See how easily the mistake of starting with one’s definition, instead of taking the direction of God can lead to unstable communication?

Quickly picture the different individual feelings for raising kids. Without a MUTUAL (oneness) agreement, there are arguments.

Quickly picture financial differences.

How about the different expectations of romance and sex in marriage?

Regardless of the topic, if you don’t start with God’s way, you lose your way.

 “Solid communication means following God’s blueprint for conversations. Our experiences, feelings, or ideas don’t come first.”

 Is solid communication a good thing? Yes. The perfect one is guiding you. How do you go about creating solidity in communication during your marriage? By seeking to consistently let HIS words guide us.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.”

Psalm 119:105

See how seeking His truth clearly, and simply answered those questions?

Build trust through communication

Solid communication without trust is impossible. Trust is built through solid communication though. What do we mean by the word ‘trust’ though?

What do you think I will suggest you do? I’ll give you a digital cookie (not really, would be cool though) if you get the answer right.

Start with the Bible. See the pattern, right?

Gotquestions.org is a great site (no this is not an affiliate link) that helps people who are casual readers of the Word of God’s Word.

For example, since the topic is ‘trust’ and I wanted a Christian biblical view on trust, you’d go to that website and type ‘trust’ in the search bar and learn more about it.

Gotquestions.org says, “the words translated ‘trust’ in the Bible means “a bold, confident, sure security or action based on that security.” Trust is not the same as faith, which is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8-9)

I have also heard it said that trust is assurance in light of the evidence.

Huh?

Let me give an example. You ever drove a car? Or riding in a car? I assume you’ll say yes.

Ever think the car will blow up? Do you assume it will blow up daily? If you assume it will blow up does that stop you from putting the key in the ignition? Does it stop you from riding in a car? If you are frightened that your car will blow up, do you say a long prayer every time you are about to ride in a car?

I doubt it.

What’s interesting though, everything needed to cause a car to explode is in your car.

Gas. Electricity. Heat. Fire. Motion.

Despite that though, in ‘light of the evidence,’ meaning that the experiences we have with cars NOT blowing up compared to cars blowing up give us a sense of trust that the car will NOT blow up despite its capability TO blow up.

What does this have to do with trust in communication?

Nobody is perfect. We all are sinful creatures. Your spouse WILL mess up, they will lie, they will mess up on your trust, they will be the sinful humans that Adam’s bloodline dictates that they be.

“Wait. That doesn’t help me trust!”

Are those actions who they are 100% of the time? I doubt it, or you probably wouldn’t have made them your spouse.

 

 “You trust them considering the consistency of their character. You will never trust them focusing on their flawed humanity.”

That’s what I believe assurance in light of evidence means.

You trust them based on the consistency of their character while keeping in mind that neither you or they are perfect. The lack of their perfection doesn’t equate to them not having anything you can place an assurance on.

I sucked at money management (still working on it). I was never taught. And I was never really around anyone who could handle money well, nor was I really around anyone with a lot of money to handle.

I remember dating my wife, and during that time I had no job, and I was using loans and financial aid money from going to college to pay my bills and live my life like a “baller.” My wife patiently watched my poorly handle money, and although she didn’t belittle me for it, she had absolutely no security in me regarding finances. Especially since her parents had at one time or another credit score of over 800.

Although that weakness isn’t specifically tied to the sinful state of man, the principle of humans being imperfect applies. What usually happens, is that a spouse sees a weakness in one area, and now other areas aren’t trusted either. Or the person as a whole isn’t trusted.

That isn’t wise. A weakness in one area may cause the FEELING that all other areas can’t be trusted, but that is a false feeling. I sucked at money management, yet my skills were in communication and conflict resolution. I was usually the one guiding the communication in our marriage. That isn’t to say that my wife didn’t contribute, or didn’t teach me anything, or that my wife was horrible.

I am simply saying that communication was more my gift than hers. So although I had to trust her and submit to her guidance about finances, she had to trust and submit to how we talked about finances. Yelling, frustration, or the silent treatment didn’t lead to me being better with finances.

Trusting is a scary thing. We tend to want to be in control. We feel safer that way. But, learn to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, and trust each other despite the weaknesses by leaning on each other’s strengths. 

Related Article: Top 10 Causes of Marriage Communication Problems | Marriage sharing

Don’t Be Afraid To Talk About Important Topics

We all have baggage. We all have secrets. Or if you don’t like the word ‘secret’, we all have things that we would rather not talk about with ANYONE. I get it. I hope you understand that the space created from things you don’t talk about, eventually leads to a distance in the relationship. Then that distance maintained long enough leads to divorce.

No one expects you to tell all, at one time. Make gradual steps to get closer and closer with your spouse through full transparency and honesty.

Many people have the perception of, “my past has nothing to do with the present so I shouldn’t tell you anything about it.”

I DEFINITELY disagree.

That statement doesn’t apply to Christian spouses. When men and women become husband and wife, they become one flesh. Scripture makes references that in the beginning, the woman was created FROM the man. You don’t get any more unity than that.

Some keeping something in the past about themselves goes against God’s design for that unity. The desire to do that isn’t based on directions from God, it’s based on the individual. Not the pair. Not the union under God, the individual.

Let’s talk about that from another angle. Many problems happen during a long relationship. How do you expect to effectively find solutions if you don’t have access to one’s past? When you are having a medical issue and you go to the doctor, don’t they ask you questions about your history? And your family’s history?

If you are going to buy a used car, don’t you want to know the car’s history?

History is important in one’s culture.

History is important in one’s career. (in determining your qualifications for a job)

No, marriage isn’t a car, or a culture, or a career. The truth though, is that history, the past, matters in many areas in life to make wise decisions. Why shouldn’t it matter in the most important personal decision one would make? The permanent union God intended between two souls.

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