“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”(John 1:1).
“God’s Word should direct your words.”
What is solid communication? Is solid communication a good thing? How do you go about creating solidity(honestly my first time using that word) in communication during your marriage?
All great questions. Where do you start your search for the answers?
His word. The Bible.
For those who you who read my book (insert book link) you know my research of over 20 years in relationships firmly established my belief that the starting point of seeking solutions to relationships starts with our relationship with Christ. A relationship that should be deeply demonstrated by the commitment to His truths. In other words, by living His words, through your life.
This is the starting point. I go on to say in my book that “imperfect people, can only hope to be perfected by the perfect person.”
Why do we need to undergo the process of being perfect? We need the process because:
- Our sinful nature entirely affects our being and affect our reasoning.
- We are often blind to those effects, and our spouses tend to suffer because of that.
Now, I am but a layman in the Word of God, and perhaps I am oversimplifying such a deep concept in Christianity,(Total Depravity, and the Noetic Effects of Sin) but, allow me to be simple, so I can offer some easily applied practical advice.
What is solid communication? The mind affected by sin answers that question with their feelings, experiences, or ideas. I am NOT saying that feelings can’t be right. Or that experiences and ideas can’t be true. However, you really think that is a more credible starting point than the Word of God?
“Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.”
How do you answer ‘yes’ to that question if you are a Christian?
Here’s the problem. The problem isn’t the fact that many Christians wouldn’t agree that God’s Word should come first. The problem is that many Christians (even I at times) are not aware of when or how God’s Word is not leading our life. His Word is being pushed aside (many times subconsciously) by our feelings, experiences, ideas, selfishness, lack of belief, etc.
What is solid communication? We may FEEL like solid communication means that when you tell your spouse something you are feeling, them understanding automatically means that they agree. Don’t be so quick to disagree, I have watched HUNDREDS of couples subconsciously assume this definition.
For example, from time to time when I am out of the house and I am coming home I’ll pick up delicious meals (because I am a huge foodie) from either somewhere my wife and I have eaten before, or a new place we wanted to try. My wife’s little sister (16) stays with us, and there are many times where I would bring home food for my wife and I and would not bring home food for my sister-in-law.
Now, before you label me unfairly, let me quickly say that there are also many times where I bring food home for my wife, and her sister. However, I don’t think that is an act that is to be expected. I don’t think that is an act that I am obligated to do. After all, we keep plenty of food in the house.
During one of the times where I bring food for my wife and not her sister, my wife gets upset. Then she tells me, “I told you how I feel about that.” What you’re reading currently reading in this blog won’t convey is that in her saying those words what she meant was, “I told you how I feel about that, so you shouldn’t do it.”
Her feelings felt that it was wrong, therefore I should automatically agree.
I understood why she felt it was wrong, but it didn’t matter that I understood. It didn’t matter because I did not agree, and therefore she didn’t get what she wanted. Me to change that behavior.
“Feelings are guides, feelings are not fact.”
Solid communication does include understanding, but don’t confuse understanding with automatically agreeing. The core message in my movement to improve messages is based on Mark 10:8, “AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.”
Practically, two becoming one flesh means that marriage and situations within marriage are no longer solely approached from the vantage point of the individual. We approach the marriage from our feelings, or thoughts of the pair.
In the situation, I gave of my wife and me, was she considering how I felt? Or was she SOLEY focused on how she felt?
I am guilty of doing this to her too. All humans are guilty of this. See how easily the mistake of starting with one’s definition, instead of taking the direction of God can lead to unstable communication?
Quickly picture the different individual feelings for raising kids. Without a MUTUAL (oneness) agreement, there are arguments.
Quickly picture financial differences.
How about the different expectations of romance and sex in marriage?
Regardless of the topic, if you don’t start with God’s way, you lose your way.
“Solid communication means following God’s blueprint for conversations. Our experiences, feelings, or ideas don’t come first.”
Is solid communication a good thing? Yes. The perfect one is guiding you. How do you go about creating solidity in communication during your marriage? By seeking to consistently let HIS words guide us.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.”
See how seeking His truth clearly, and simply answered those questions?
Build trust through communication
Solid communication without trust is impossible. Trust is built through solid communication though. What do we mean by the word ‘trust’ though?
What do you think I will suggest you do? I’ll give you a digital cookie (not really, would be cool though) if you get the answer right.
Start with the Bible. See the pattern, right?
Gotquestions.org is a great site (no this is not an affiliate link) that helps people who are casual readers of the Word of God’s Word.
For example, since the topic is ‘trust’ and I wanted a Christian biblical view on trust, you’d go to that website and type ‘trust’ in the search bar and learn more about it.
Gotquestions.org says, “the words translated ‘trust’ in the Bible means “a bold, confident, sure security or action based on that security.” Trust is not the same as faith, which is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8-9)
I have also heard it said that trust is assurance in light of the evidence.
Let me give an example. You ever drove a car? Or riding in a car? I assume you’ll say yes.
Ever think the car will blow up? Do you assume it will blow up daily? If you assume it will blow up does that stop you from putting the key in the ignition? Does it stop you from riding in a car? If you are frightened that your car will blow up, do you say a long prayer every time you are about to ride in a car?
I doubt it.
What’s interesting though, everything needed to cause a car to explode is in your car.
Gas. Electricity. Heat. Fire. Motion.
Despite that though, in ‘light of the evidence,’ meaning that the experiences we have with cars NOT blowing up compared to cars blowing up give us a sense of trust that the car will NOT blow up despite its capability TO blow up.
What does this have to do with trust in communication?
Nobody is perfect. We all are sinful creatures. Your spouse WILL mess up, they will lie, they will mess up on your trust, they will be the sinful humans that Adam’s bloodline dictates that they be.
“Wait. That doesn’t help me trust!”
Are those actions who they are 100% of the time? I doubt it, or you probably wouldn’t have made them your spouse.
“You trust them considering the consistency of their character. You will never trust them focusing on their flawed humanity.”