In This Article
Pride– causes the most communication in marriage problems
Lies– destroy the ability to build trust in relationships
Selfishness– it’s not about you, it’s about you two
Silence– doubt grows when you don’t know
Neglect– you don’t respect what you neglect
Disrespect– it shouldn’t happen
Ignorance– People perish for lack of knowledge
Lack of romance/sex– physical expressions of love are important
Complacency– you got lazy
Lack of submission to God– who is perfecting your imperfections
Communication in marriage, or any type of relationship, is often extremely difficult. Some people are naturally better communicators than others, but that doesn’t mean the skills to continually improve communication shouldn’t be developed. The lack of communication in marriage can be compared to the lack of a pulse in the body. Yes, that is an extreme comparison, but, marriage communication is extremely important. Many marriage communication problems can be thoroughly solved if spouses understand the causes. Hopefully, this list helps spouses develop marriage communication skills.
Sin is the root of all marriage problems. In fact, sin is the root of all relationship problems. Want to really know the signs your marriage is over? Pay attention to these potential marriage problems. No marriage is perfect, these common problems in a marriage are bound to happen. What you should look out for is the consistency of these issues or the habit many spouses face of not dealing with these issues.
More than anything, I encourage you to deal with these sins by developing a relationship with Jesus.
When that happens, His Spirit then encourages you to deal with the sins causing problems in you, and your marriage. Being transformed by Him, then transforms your marriage. But, with this article, let’s talk practically, and specifically.
I enjoyed this article so much I decided to write my version of it. I pray that this helps you while communicating in your relationship.
The following is a list of the top 10 marriage problems I have noticed cause many challenges in marriage. Issues with marriage can often be a non-issue if you become aware of common issues of marriage. Communicating in a relationship is extremely complicated at times, but it doesn’t have to be challenging and difficult.
In this article, you’ll also find communication quotes that mostly apply to marriages. However, these marriage quotes sayings can also be applied to many other types of relationships. If you really want to improve how you communicating in a relationship, remember these, and apply these consistently in your marriage.
“Knowing the marriage problem signs will help you prevent marriage problems for becoming divorce-causing problems.”
1.) Pride– How does pride cause marriage communication problems? The following are things that PRIDE says:
It’s not my fault.
I didn’t cause that.
You made me.
I’m not wrong.
I didn’t know.
You should have told me.
I don’t care.
You should have stopped.
You should have told me.
I’m not apologizing.
You owe me an apology.
The central message of pride is this, “you are to blame, not me.”
Quickly think about that message. We all agree that no one is perfect right?
*Spoken Word Poem*
No one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect/Perfectly
imperfect?/Those words are as absurd as saying “here’s a sinless
saint that curses/Look, no one who walks this earth’s surface is
perfect/ that’s truth’s final verdict/ but thank God for His Holy
comforter/in a cold world doomed, and headed to an infinite
furnace / thank you Abba, for your perfect purpose/ you’re a
perfect person making the perfect purchase/ freeing us from sin’s
grip, the circling service/
No one is perfect. Since that is true, imagine being in a relationship with someone whose heart, and mind are so hardened, so stubborn, that they refuse to admit or acknowledge blame.
People are aware of the extreme examples of pride and the problems that cause. We are often aware when someone REALLY really does wrong. What we often fail to see is the many small occurrences of pride and the issues of marriage that are consequences of that pride. Pride creates huge marriage problems.
Having a happy marriage life, a marriage life rooted in joy is impossible without humility. Want to know how to improve how you’re communicating quickly? You need to understand that in a relationship you will be wrong. Learn to admit your faults. Understand that imperfection is a part of us all, and seek to get better at taking criticism.
2.) Lies– What causes lack of communication in marriage? Umm, you think lying plays a part?! We all lie. Yet, we hate being lied to. Sure, we may appreciate the pain a lie appears to “shield” us from.
And we may even like the false sense of confidence a “good” lie at the right time provides. However, lies cause more harm than good. Many people in relationships seem to think differently. Many people come up with justifications for a lie.
“I didn’t want to hurt you” or they will say, “I didn’t want you to leave me.” Many rationalize and say, “Everyone lies.” What’s interesting is, instead of working on preventing the lies from occurring, people seek to control the circumstances of the lie.
Let me respond to one justification. Yes, everyone lies. It doesn’t make it right, or ok, and who wants to be consistently lied to?
No one wants to be consistently lied to, especially about something they really want the answer to. All lies are bad. Lies shouldn’t happen. Lies will happen. The lie I want to focus on is the consistent lie.
Here is a question: How to rebuild trust in marriage after lying.
You’ll find a good answer there.
The consistency of lies leads to the consistency of problems because the solution often cannot be found if the information is false, to begin with.
“And, frankly lies have FAR more consequences than truth does.”
3.) Selfishness– The greatest example of marriage we have is between Jesus and the church. That model is meant to be a heavenly example, of an earthly union. We can’t hope to copy that model with selfishness.
If you are the type of person to read books on communication in marriage and selflessness is not talked about, then put that book down. Especially, as a Christian. Isn’t selflessness one of the biggest attributes of Christ?
Mark 12:31 31 The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
We as humans make it about us though right? We get in relationships because someone we care about is giving us our needs and wants. If the supply to our desires runs dry, usually, so does our supposed “love” for that person.
That is a selfish approach to marriage. We all have selfish moments. What you need to keep self-checking yourself for is if your selfishness consistently doesn’t factor in the commitment you made to your marriage. Regardless of if all your wants or needs are not being met.
4.) Silence– You ever notice that there is a healthy balance in a conversation? You talk, the other person listens. You listen, the other person talks. What if you were talking, and talking, and talking and the other person said nothing?
Would that be a problem? I think so.
Let’s take a different approach. Your spouse shares their feelings with you. You say nothing. If they are sharing their feelings about their favorite food or movie, and you stay silent that shouldn’t be a problem. But, what if they share their feelings about something you have been doing poorly? Something that they want you to work on? In that context, NOT saying something sends many negative messages. Negative messages that create negative feelings in your spouse. One message silence tends to send is that you don’t care. And if one spouse perceives or feels that you don’t care, (usually over an extended period of time) then communication in the relationship starts to seriously suffer.
We often need silence. Silence has its place.
“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”
Just learn to live with your spouse according to knowledge. Learn when it’s time to speak, and time to talk.
Communication in Marriage
You ever realize that communication in marriage isn’t difficult because one doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it? The problem in marriage communication is finding what the exact problem is, honestly and respectfully discussing it, and thoroughly solving it. If the communication in your marriage is suffering, check the list below for potential causes.
5.) Neglect– Busy building a business? Busy chasing a career? Are kids getting most of your attention? How about your friends and family?
Not to mention that nowadays we have smartphones, social media, and…(insert your own example here).
Neglect is BOUND to happen. Do you know what’s worse than the neglect? Your spouse not truly hearing how you feel about the neglect.
It will happen, unfortunately, and when it happens, the price you pay from that sucks.
Your spouse comes first. After Jesus. Now, what does it mean that your spouse comes first?
Let’s keep it simple. It means that their overall well being, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally has a significant priority. Not necessarily in a way to say that there is a numerical order.
It’s not like, “ok, I know the mortgage has to be paid today by 4 pm or I get a late fee, but, my wife wants to have a long talk and she comes first. I’ll talk about the late fee.”
6.) Disrespect– All of us are different. I tickle you, and you may fart. I tickle someone else, and they may hiccup. (that would be hilarious)
My point is, what may seem disrespectful to you, may not be disrespectful to someone else. HOWEVER, that is a relativistic approach. That is an approach that makes it seem that it is the context that determines right or wrong.
That isn’t a Christian approach. As Christians, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6
That should be our aim, as Christians period. And you take that principle into a Christian marriage.
The effects of disrespect are devastating. Disrespect attacks someone’s character. Disrespect attacks someone’s feelings, beliefs, ideas, and self-worth.
Disrespect sends the message, “I don’t value you as a human being.” How do you continue to converse with someone like that? How do you hope to achieve a mutual understanding with someone that doesn’t have mutual respect?
Impossible. And if by some chance it is possible, it isn’t a union that is loving or fruitful. The relationship will have no longevity.
7.) Ignorance– Pride alone is huge. But pride + ignorance….whewww. Man. Or woman…. that is TOUGH. Why?
Because the spouse is suffering, and they don’t know how to communicate that.
Because the spouse causing the suffering cannot see how.
Because the spouse doesn’t know where, or how to seek help.
Then, what happens? A cyclical routine of pain, problems, stress, anger, depression, and hopelessness.
8,) Lack of romance/sex– Sex was intended to be fully enjoyed in marriage. The desire for sex is compelling. A very powerful desire that God sought to funnel into marriage. What typically happens is that the husband expects sexual frequency and stops being romantic.
Women usually crave the emotional connection that romance from the man they love provides.
What also usually happens from my observation is that women sometimes have selfish and unrealistic views of romance and start using sex as a weapon to shape the behavior of their husbands.
Both situations drastically cause deep problems in marriage. How does communication then suffer? Communication then becomes a manipulative tool to get what one selfishly wants in their marriage.
9.) Complacency– We all go through it. We get comfortable. In the beginning, boyfriends intending to become husbands fill the ears of their potential wives with sweet words, promises, expectations, and kindness. The boyfriends become a husband, and automatically the gear switches from “trying to woo her” to “I got her and she isn’t going anywhere.” (women are guilty of this too)
In long-term relationships neglect eventually happens for various reasons. When this happens, communication becomes a ritual, instead of a spiritual connection of lovers, and partners that are husbands and wives.
Hopefully, a husband and wife become a husband and a wife because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone. In that case, why would you indirectly force your spouse to deal with your lack of desire to consistently improve yourself or your marriage FOR your spouse?
10.)Lack of submission to God
I don’t want to make this point too theological. I want this blog to be for the layman. The casual reader of the Bible. The person curious about Jesus, and casually looking into him. I want this blog to be read by a person who isn’t deeply theologically inclined. But, at the same time, I desire it to carry a depth respected by people like my mentor Pastor Thom Schultz, Pastor, Theologian, Apologist, and Philosopher.
Let me keep it simple. The human state sucks. The human earthly state needs heavenly help. We often seek help from other imperfect humans or other imperfect sources.
It takes a perfect person, to perfectly work on the imperfect person. Hence Jesus.
What do I mean by that? What do I mean by it takes the perfect to work on the imperfect?
If your hands were dirty, and you planned on eating a meal with your hands, would you then seek to clean your hands in dirty water?
You would seek clean water, to clean your dirty hands, right? If you “cleaned” your hands in dirty water, then the cycle of dirty hands would be endless. So you seek a source at a better ‘state’ than your state to be able to improve that state right?
That is how I view the human condition. We are sinful, deceitful, selfish, evil mortals. It is easy to see that when we do extremely bad things. It is often not easy to see the bad in the “good” we attempt to do. And that is one of the main reasons we need someone showing us the way.
Want to know how lack of the submission to Jesus leads to communication problems?
Here is the answer.
Everyone then makes themselves their Gods. Determining what is right or wrong in their own eyes. Those “rights” and “wrongs” are then consistently communicated in a marriage. Many times unfairly and selfishly communicated to their spouse. Who then would be our moral ‘compass’? Directing our lives? If not a being perfected perfectly beyond our imperfections?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
Above you find a list. A list of common problems within the communication. This isn’t the full list. This list isn’t necessarily in order. It is, however, an important list to consider, and build awareness of. This list wasn’t meant to also provide a solution, (future articles will cover that) this list was meant to open your ‘communication eyes’ to the many ways communicating effectively in marriage can run into many obstacles.
Bonus: Casual Jealousy
Jealousy in a marriage is often immediately said to be a bad thing. A negative thing that doesn’t produce any positivity to a marriage.
I want to offer a different view. But, before I do, I will say that obsessive jealousy is a bad thing. And one can argue that jealousy at the core, doesn’t come from God.
The view I would like to offer is this. Often, jealousy has positive effects. A husband or wife communicating jealousy (mild displays of jealousy) says, “I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.”
The other spouse receiving jealous treatment often then feels wanted, needed, and desired.
In closing, I think the word ‘jealous’ gets a bad rap.
What do you think should be on the list? Comment below.