What Happens When There is no Communication in a Relationship? | Marriage Life
Lack of unity. Lack of trust. Lack of respect. Lack of understanding. Lack of love. Lack of support. Lack of compliments. Lack of truth. Lack of peace. Lack of joy. Lack of fulfillment. Lack…..lack…..lack.
When I say, “there is no communication,” I don’t mean silence. How many people you know that say nothing to anybody, whether it be verbally or through other means of communicating a message to someone. (text, email, etc.)
When I say no communication, I mean having poor communication. It can also mean having the type of communication in your marriage that doesn’t allow your spouse to properly and efficiently understand you.
When there is no communication several things happen. It would be impossible to list all the things I have personally observed over 20 years. The list I started this article with gives you a good an idea though.
Lack of unity- A goal of Christians in marriage is a unity, unlike the world, has seen. Two souls, united in Christ. Two souls that spiritually become one flesh. That doesn’t mean that man and woman are just two individuals that become husband and wife. A better understanding of one flesh would be, ONE FLESH. One entity. Oneness.
As a human being, you have ONE physical body. Yet, your ONE body is composed of different individual parts. Now, why did I use that specific example? I used that example purposely. Many people believe that oneness or unity means that you have no individual expressions or purposes. I don’t believe God intended that to be the meaning.
Let’s look at the following text.
“But in fact, God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!’ On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the unpresentable parts are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it” (1 Corinthians 12:18-27).”
Do you know what I find interesting about that example? The fact that Jesus uses a human BODY as an example to illustrate unity. The human body has individual parts, with different functions, yet the “one body” functions as a whole.
I believe that’s what oneness in marriage means. Two married people don’t suddenly lose their individuality, but the focus has shifted. The focus has shifted from the individual thinking of self, to “selfs”. The “self” one is thinking of trying to keep as an individual came from another individual originally, anyway. (Genesis 2:21-24)
This shift of understanding of unity in marriage needs to happen, or selfishness easily occurs. Our flesh naturally seeks after its interest, by default.
If I had to choose one concept for you to remember for your marriage, and one concept for you to remember from anything I write, it would be to understand unity. Deeply and thoroughly understanding unity. After I show you how understanding this concept crucially helps you argue less, and talk more, I hope deeply to develop a desire in you to do some further study.
I truly believe that understanding unity offers many solutions to communication problems in marriage. So much so, that the core message in my book talks about what unity means, and how to practically achieve it.
I also take the same core message of unity and teach it in marriage workshops, speaking engagements, and panel discussions. Below is a clip of me on a panel discussion.
Unity is the key. Lack of unity is one of the core problems. (the main problem is sin)
I dedicated over 700 words towards talking about just one of the 12 “lacks” that I started this article with. Hopefully, you are convinced by now. If not……sigh… Keep on reading.
The Importance of Communication
Lack of trust: There are many reasons that there could be a lack of trust in a relationship. I can’t possibly cover all. I will cover what I have observed though. One spouse thinks trust means being honest. As honest as can be. Another spouse thinks that trust means being open and transparent.
Are they the same thing? Not necessarily. You can be open, transparent, AND honest. But, you can also be open (willing to talk about anything) or transparent(having your thoughts, feelings, or motives easily perceived) AND lie.
Now you and your spouse have trust issues. Not because of infidelity, or lies, but because you and your spouse don’t have a UNIFIED view of trust. You two may be BEING trustworthy, but not in the way you two feel, or believe trust should be demonstrated. If that’s the case, it’s like there is no trust in the first place.
Lack of respect: You would think that respect has a universal meaning easily understood by everyone. After all, every type of relationship requires respect, right? And everyone wants to be respected right? So why then, is communicating respect often a problem?
What do you think I will say? *Jeopardy music plays*
Communicating respect is often difficult because you and your spouse may be coming from different vantage points.
I remember growing up and watching this married couple interact regularly. (I will keep the couple anonymous) The husband felt respected when his words were highly valued by his wife and kids. His opinions on anything, regardless of if it was on movies, outfits, or somewhere to eat. The fact that they valued his opinion made him feel respected.
His wife, on the other hand, could care less about having her opinion be put on a pedestal. What made her feel respected is him noticing and acknowledging the little things she did for him. Things like cooking, cleaning, ironing, and folding his clothes.
Before I continue with that story, let me say this. I know some of you are thinking, “what do those situations have to do with respect? I thought respect or disrespect had to do mostly to how you were talked to.” That is a big part of respect. However, communicating respect has way more to deal with than just which words are used. Or how those chosen words are used. It also has to do with how you are making someone feel, or how you are failing to make someone feel. And sometimes actions don’t’ need audible words to communicate that.
Back to the story.
The husband wouldn’t acknowledge the things his wife would do for him around the house. And the wife would feel like her efforts weren’t appreciate or taken for granted which often produced the SAME feelings that lack of respect produces. (keep in mind words are often poor attempts of uttering moments of exact feelings)
The husband in that situation would feel that his wife doesn’t respect him because she rarely seeks counsel from him. She rarely asks for advice. She rarely fills him in on decisions. Does she do this purposely? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she is just used to being independent. She might have been that way before marriage and failed to understand unity after marriage. *cough cough*
Maybe she isn’t a vocal person. Meaning, maybe she is the type to not talk much. To not reveal much. She may be more introverted.
Lack. Of. A unified perception/definition/understanding of respect. So they were “missing” each other. By missing each other I mean the messages you two are sending each other are not being received.
Please tell me you see how much unity matters. But, more importantly, how much UNDERSTANDING unity in marriage matters. I can pick many subjects and demonstrate the same point I have been demonstrating to prove that.
Shall we continue?
Lack of love: Easy. You two are loving each other in two different “love languages.” (insert book here) That book explains it way better than I can. I truly really believe that every couple should read that book.
How are two spouses speaking different languages? One spouses’ love “language”(meaning the things done that makes them feel love) may be gifted. The other spouses’ love language may be words of affirmations. Let’s say the wife feels loved the most when she receives gifts, and her husband never buys her gifts. And the husband feels loved the most when he receives compliments. What would happen if they were showing each other love in other ways, EXCEPT for the ways they feel loved the most?
They would be “missing” each other. The message wouldn’t be received. Knowing your spouse would lead to understanding, and true understanding often involves seeing another person’s point of view. You can’t truly see someone else’s point of view if you are only fixed on your view. Or if you are only willing to operate from your view. The UNIFIED view includes coming from a place where your view AND your spouse’s view is taken into consideration. How does your spouse feel loved? What does your spouse like and not like?
Does that matter? Or do you directly or subconsciously force them to abide by your perceptions of love….
Lack of support. Lack of compliments. Lack of truth. Lack of peace. Lack of joy. Lack of fulfillment. Lack…..lack…..lack.
Hopefully, I need not help you apply unity to the rest of the points above. If I do, leave me a comment in the comment section below.
When There is no Communication in a Relationship
When there is no communication in a relationship, in a marriage, then the means to create the unity that God intended (Mark 10:8) is incredibly difficult.
When there is no come UNION cation(ok, kind of corny but I like it) then there is no union of emotions. Union of ideas. Union of goals, dreams, understanding, expectations, wants, needs, desires, fantasies….
Without a union, spouses behave as if they are not on the same team. Constant arguments. Or, the other side of the spectrum….silence.
Without union there is belittlement. There is unforgiveness. There is a constant battle for power or control.
Without a union, you have two individuals behaving as if they were single in a marriage. This creates a problem because then you have a “tug of war” for control. A battle for power. Who can outwit who? Who can manipulate who? All for the goal of getting someone to give you what YOU want because what YOU want is what you should have. Right? And probably what you have had before your spouse. So why shouldn’t your spouse give you what you have already had and were used to getting in your single life?
The depth that infused in Mark 10:8, Mark 10:9 “and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh,” leaves me in awe. I am utterly amazed by the depth of God’s Words regarding situations in our lives.
Psychology plays its part in the world. So does Philosophy. So does many other sciences. But, it is only God’s Word that has the effect it does on our souls and the problems our soul’s face on earth.
“For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
What do ya’ll (yes I said ya’ll) think? Talk to me. Leave a comment below.