Why Husbands Cheat?(sometimes it’s the wife’s fault)

For those who prefer a video, there you go.

For my faithful readers out there, here is the write-up for the video.

Why Husbands Cheat

I gave my word to one of my friends that I would make a video response to this video.

Why do men get pressured to get married, yet when married, they’re denied sex? That’s a great question.  Many arguments occur over the lack of sex in marriage.  And sometimes, the lack of sex in marriage leads to a husband cheating. Let’s talk about it. 

Now, I know, that regardless of what I say in this video, or how I say it, or what facts I use, or what examples I use, there are going to be some women who don’t want to hear it. Why? Because those types of women are stubborn, prideful, selfish, manipulative, petty aka broken. Those types of women just rather blame the man, instead of being held accountable for their flaws. 

It’s easier for these types of women to think they are perfect queens, with no flaws. 

(I’m perfectly imperfect)

Can you imagine a man using that line, to excuse their sins? To excuse their flaws.

Baby, I know I got your sister pregnant. But I’m, perfectly imperfect.

Sweetie, I know I punched you in the mouth repeatedly. But, I’m perfectly imperfect.

My love…I love you….When I curse at you…and call you out your name, love me for me…because I’m, perfectly imperfect….

To be perfectly clear. There’s nothing perfect about our imperfections. 

Saying you’re perfectly imperfect as a way of excusing your sin and justifying wrongs…is ridiculous. It’s wrong. That is all. 

For those types of women, this video isn’t for you. 

It’s a great thing that not all women are like those types of women. Many many women are caring, selfless, nurturing, kind-hearted, forgiving, and really really want to be great wives, and really want to understand their sex from their husband’s point of view.

If you’re that type of women, this video is for you. 

Why do men get pressured to get married, yet when married, they are denied sex? 

What do women think he means by the word, “pressured.” 

When we look at the word “pressure” on Merriam webster.com the first definition that comes up is: the burden of physical or mental distress. Now, maybe, your girlfriend doesn’t put physical distress on you…..but…can’t we honestly say there’s mental distress placed on a man to marry her? 

Allll of a sudden a bf may start seeing wedding movies, shows, engagement videos. 

**scene**Babeee…my friend from middle school getting married…I haven’t spoken to her in 15 years, but I want to go. Will you go with me? Wink wink. 

That’s cool babe, I’ll go with you.

But, insideeee, he’s like…

***scene*** “It sho is hot in here isn’t it?!” 

There is subtle, indirect, and often manipulative pressure placed on a man to marry a woman. There is. 

Now, of course, I’m not saying a man shouldn’t want to marry a woman that he loves. A man SHOULD want to marry a woman that he loves. Marriage is awesome. Marriage isn’t perfect.

People aren’t perfect. People in marriage won’t be perfect, but imperfect people, seeking to perfect themselves in marriage for each other daily and consistently makes marriage awesome. 

Why do men get pressured to get married, yet when married, they’re denied sex?

Now, do I think the man in the video is saying that men should always get sex from his wife whenever he wants it? I don’t think so. In fact, I don’t think a man that truly seeks to love his wife like Jesus is called to love the church, should expect something like that. 

A husband should never always expect sex from his wife without caring about what may be going on with her. If he does, that doesn’t display a loving, and understanding husband. 

What does he mean then, by denied sex?

Are we saying he’s denied sex all the time? I don’t think so. I think he’s saying he’s either denied sex directly or denied the opportunity for a sexual atmosphere in his marriage enough that he feels like it’s all the time. 

Sex before marriage, shouldn’t happen, but it does,  I promote sex after marriage. For many men, ladies…here’s why marriage isn’t fully appealing at ALL to them. 

With or without marriage, women generally get what they prioritize in a relationship. They get affection, they get a partner, they get a protector, they get conversations, they get a man’s presence, security etc. 

I’m not saying men don’t value these things or don’t care about these things, or that men don’t get anything from a nonsexual relationship with their girlfriend. But, generally speaking, men have higher sex drives than women. With that being said, sex is usually more of a priority in the relationship than women. 

Psychologically speaking, women generally are more in sync with their emotions than men.  A man that protects a woman’s emotions shares his emotions with her, values her emotions, and positively influences her emotions can get any woman to deeply fall in love.

That’s how God designed her. That’s not to say that women don’t love sex, or care about sex, but I don’t believe a woman was designed in the same way men are.

You know what I find interesting.

No wife in the Bible was called to AGAPE love her husband. Agape is a Greek word that takes the meaning of loving selflessly. Jesus dying for the sins of the world is Agape love.

A mother naturally caring for their children selflessly is Agape love. Wives aren’t commanded to love their husbands like that? Why? I think it’s because that is how women were designed by Him anyway. 

Men were designed differently. 

There’s estrogen, then there’s testosterone.

Women often think that sex to all men is just a release. That’s probably true for many types of men. But, that’s not fair to say that all men are like that. Sex to some men is another way of physically expressing their emotions to their wives. 

Scientifically, studies are now showing that if a man doesn’t ejaculate a certain amount of times a month, his chances of developing cancer increase.

Not to mention, when a man doesn’t ejaculate enough, that build-up of semen can be painful. Many doctors have compared it to when a woman who just had a baby has the build-up of milk in their breast.

If the mother who just had a baby doesn’t release that milk, their breast gets sore. That’s similar to a man who doesn’t ejaculate. 

Men were designed to be more physical beings. When a man truly loves a woman, he wants to express his physical being to the woman he loves. Denying him of sex makes that men feel undesired, unloved, unvalued….and the list goes on and on.

Wives need to understand the physical part of a man, in the same way, wives want husbands to understand the non-physical side of women aka their emotions. 

Men, to be fair to the ladies, I understand why they often confuse you with the other types of men. There are many many men that just have sex to have sex. There are many men who just have sex with anyone because there is an opportunity for sex.

There are many men that have sex and it doesn’t mean anything but a release.

But, ladies I’m not talking about those types of men. I’m talking about the groups of men that love one woman, want to be with that one woman flaws and all, yet…are denied something that they can ONLY get from their wife if they are to be in a marriage, that God intended to be monogamous.  

What generally, eventually happens when a husband goes long periods of time without sex. Especially, if that husband has been patient, understanding, caring, romantic, and communicated honestly with his wife. 

Eventually, what sometimes happens is A.) the husband stops being affectionate and caring, because he feels unheard, and uncared for. Sometimes out of spite. Or B.) he ends up cheating. Maybe he doesn’t directly search for someone to satisfy his physical side, but he starts being open to the idea of going outside of his marriage.

That doesn’t make it right? I’m not saying a husband stepping outside of his marriage is right in any way shape or form, I am just listing an effect of the lack of sex in a marriage. 

Instead of wives understanding their part in their husbands cheating, you hear them say something like, “cheating is a choice, they chose to cheat.”

Ok, fair enough. Let’s talk about that.

Everything is a choice, what does that explain though? Yes, a husband cheating or not cheating is a choice. Does that explain why some husbands cheat and some husbands don’t? 

Do you know of something else that’s also a choice? Lying. “Lying is a choice. You chose to lie.” Agreed. Does that explain why some people lie more than others? Does that explain why you probably lied today, yesterday, or why you will lie tomorrow? 

Lying is wrong, absolutely. There is no context in which lying is right. 

Jesus teaches that in Proverbs 12:22 “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

But, by saying, “lying is a chose, you chose to lie.” Does that explain why people lie? Some people lie to spare someone’s feelings. Some people lie simply to be able to manipulate and hurt others. Yes, it is still lying. It is still a choice someone made.

But, would you treat a friend that lied to spare your feelings the same way you would treat someone who lied to you to use you and hurt you?

Saying something is a choice simply makes a claim, “that there are options to do or not do something.” God gave us that ability, by giving us free will to either obey Him or to sin. Yet, simply saying one has free will aka has a choice, doesn’t really explain much.

And definitely doesn’t help us diagnose the problem in hopes of finding a possible solution. Saying, it’s a choice, doesn’t answer the “why”. When a husband cheats in marriage it is a problem. That’s the problem we’re focusing on for this video.

When you go to the doctor because something painful is happening with your body, what do they try to understand about your problem? They try to understand, WHY it is happening?

Finding a solution to a problem often happens, when you find out why something is happening. 

If my car has a flat tire, and I take that same tire to get patched, then when I drive away I get a flat on the same tire, I need to find out WHY the tire is going flat. 

Oh…it’s a nail, take the nail out, patch the tire…now I don’t get a flat again.

Cheating is wrong in a marriage. Adultery is wrong, period, but we need to find out why it is happening. Sometimes, it’s only the man’s fault. Sometimes, wives play a part too. Sometimes wives fail in their responsibilities in the sex department.

Oh my God…responsibility…it’s such an un-romantic, obligating word. Yuck. 

Have you ever realize that EVERY type of relationship involves at least one form of responsibility by the two people in the relationship?

A relationship between parents and children involves, children, being responsible for respecting their parents, and parents being responsible for leading their children in the way that they should go. 

A relationship between an employer and employee involves an employee responsible for doing their job right, and the employer responsibly paying the employee accurately and on time. 

A relationship between friends involves two people being responsible for trust, respect, and a whole list of things for that friendship to exist.

A relationship between a student and a teacher involves a teacher is responsible for teaching clearly and effectively, and the student is responsible for learning, asking questions, and applying what they have learned by doing their homework. 

Every kind of relationship that I can think of (by the relationship I mean interaction with another person)  involves some form of responsibility.

Marriage is the ultimate relationship. 

So, doesn’t marriage require responsibilities? 

Jesus talks about this. 

Jesus teaches in 1st Corinthians 7:5  that, “ Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Stop depriving each other of sex. Who is this verse talking to? Married people.

What is being said? Stop denying each other sex, except if you two agree. 

Why do you need to stop denying each other?

Because Satan will temp you because of your lack of self-control. 

Some women hear this and say, “you see, men need to have more self-control.”

*ok…so..you have sooo much self-control eh?…Interesting….sooo…that means you waited until you got married to have sex? 

*crickets*

Besides, the self-control in that verse isn’t talking about the self-control in sense of, like you just finishing eating dinner, and you want some ice-cream, but you decide that you ate enough.

The lack of self-control there is referring to our nature as humans. We don’t have perfect self-control because of our sinful nature. We often do bad things, that we KNOW are bad things. Then, we get mad at those bad things that we do, is done to us. 

If you truly have self-control, never do anything that you don’t want to be done to you…..ever. Let me know how that goes…lol.

Jesus seeks to solve this problem of adultery in marriage this way. Whether adultery is committed by the husband or wife. 

1st Corinthian 7:4: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

In other words, when you’re married, it’s not just about you, it’s about YOU TWO.. When you get married, two people become one. If you are primarily focused on getting your way, physically or non-physically, then you aren’t living out the design God had for unity in marriage. 

Now, men, there are many many many things, that you need to continually do, to love her in a way that creates that desire in her. Many men think sex starts inside the bedroom. Nah…sex is an all-day event, outside the bedroom, in nonsexual ways.

How you talk to her, how helpful you are, how aware you are of her, how romantic you are etc etc. That’s important. Many times men are to blame for not doing those things. If enough women comment on that in this video, I’ll make a video completely from that perspective. 

But, what I am focusing on in this video, is the wives, that simply do not make sex a priority in their marriage, the reason that leads many men to not want to get married, and how the lack of sex generally, sometimes leads to adultery. 

Here is the last thing I want wives to truly, really understand from a husband’s perspective. 

A woman stressed from work= no sex

Could a husband get his wife in the mood? Yes. He could. And a good husband would go through the process of relaxing his wife, hearing about her day, romancing her etc etc, then initiating sex.

Here’s how wives sometimes react:  If a wife sees that her husband wants sex, she may feel like he is being inconsiderate to the day she had. Or, she may feel like he is just doing those things because he wants sex, so now, those things he is doing to relax her isn’t as appreciated.

Or, she may have sex with them, that time, but then that doesn’t mean that if he does that every time, that it leads to sex every time. I’m not saying it should lead to sex every time, or that it has to. I’m saying…..a woman stressed from work=no sex

A woman stressed from family= no sex. Could her husband get his wife in the mood…yes…..yadda yadda…rewind the video to what I just said about the previous situation…then fast forward…..noooo sex.

Wife stressed from friends=no sex

Wife sick=no sex. I’m not saying that a husband shouldn’t be considerate of the fact that his wife is sick…I’m just naming occasions in marriage…where there is no sex

Wife’s time of the month=no sex(at least for many)

Wife stressed from friends=no sex

Wife stressed from bills=no sex

Wife pregnant=no sex

Wife just gave birth=no sex

Wife focused on the baby, neglects the husband now=no sex

Wife focused on her business=no sex

Wife focused on her Education(degrees)=no sex

Wife focused on her  Career=no sex

Wife focused on what she could be getting from her husband that she’s not getting=no sex

Wife focused on what she shouldn’t be getting from her husband that she is getting=no sex

Damned if you, damned if you don’t=no sex

Husband isn’t perfect=no sex

Husband trying too hard to be perfect=no sex

 Fill in the blank………=no sex

My point isn’t that wives should be having sex with their husbands all the time, regardless of these situations. My point is that wives often let other things take priority, over their sexual responsibility to their husbands.

Many women will watch this and think that they’re not like this. I get it, we humans like to think of the good things about ourselves.

Here’s a questionnaire for wives that you can answer honestly for yourself:

  1. How often do you have sex?
  2. When you do have sex, do you ever approach sex the way he would like?
  3. Do you think more about how he needs to do better sexually, than how you need to do better?
  4. What’s something new you have done for him sexually this year? Something you have probably never done.
  5. Do you know what he defines a good sex life as?
  6. How often do you flirt with him, vs waiting for him to flirt with you?
  7. What do you let get in your way of consistently meeting his needs sexually?
  8. What would he rate your sex life from 1-10?
  9. How often do you get in the mood sexually for him vs letting him be the one to always get you in the mood?
  10. How often do you randomly tell him sexual things for him to think about?
  11. How often do you do that one sexual thing that you know he likes, but rarely do, because you don’t care for it much?
  12.  What separates birthdays for him, sexually, from any other day of the year?
  13. Are you consistently improving sexually? Or do you leave it for him to be the one to improve for you?

 

God bless.

 

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