In This Article
Pride– causes the most lack of communication in a relationship
Lies– destroys the ability to build trust in communication
Selfishness– gets one to focus primarily on one’s own point of views
Silence– leads to false assumptions and unresolved problems
Neglect– tells your spouse that you don’t care
Disrespect– tells your spouse I don’t value you
Ignorance– not knowing how to solve communication problems is a problem
Lack of romance/sex– intimate expressions of love are important
Complacency– you got lazy
Lack of submission to God– something higher than ourselves needs to perfect us
Lack of communication in relationships, whether it’s a lack of communication in the workplace or lack of communication in marriage, extremely hinders the growth of your relationship.
Lack of communication in a workplace can lead to poor work performance, or worse, being separated from your place of employment.
Lack of communication in marriage leads to divorce. The ultimate type of separation.
In this article, I want to speak specifically about communication, within the context of marriage. There are many, many causes of communication problems in marriage. This list mentions what I believe are ten of the most devastating causes.
I assume you’re here because you want to know how to fix the lack of communication in your relationship. If that’s true, it would be wise to keep this list in mind and continually work on improving in these categories for your marriage.
Many problems in a marriage can be prepared for, with pre-marriage counseling.
“Well, duh, Felice!”
I had to ask because many spouses don’t look for long-term fixes, they look for ‘band-aids’ that get them past the current argument, in “hopes” of having the next conversation be more peaceful.
Read that sentence over again.
Here’s a ‘lack of communication in marriage quote'(#1) for you to meditate on.
Long-term solutions, that lead to a new norm in marriage, requires that spouses change themselves for the better.
The key to fixing the communication in your marriage is focusing on how you(not your spouse) contribute to the areas on this list.
As spouses we also need to develop an awareness of the problems we cause in our marriage, how it affects our spouse and how to actively implement solutions.
Lack of communication in marriage quote #2- “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the [d]speck out of your brother’s eye!” Matthew 7-3-5
What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage
Sin is the root of all marriage communication problems.
In fact, sin is the root of all relationship problems.
God, the designer of all, designed marriage to be a union of two souls, come UNION cating a certain way with each other.
When the ‘designed'(humans) fail to follow that design, they separate themselves from the designer’s(God) plan for our marriage. Separation from God, inevitably leads to separation in marriage.
No marriage is perfect, communication problems in a marriage are bound to happen.
What you should look out for is the consistency of these issues, and the bad habits many spouses develop by either not acknowledging these issues, or by not fixing these issues.
Many times, both of those situations happen.
More than anything, I encourage you to deal with these sins by developing a relationship with Jesus.
When that happens, His Spirit then encourages you to deal with the sins causing problems in you, which many times, indirectly improves your marriage.
Being transformed by Him, then transforms your marriage.
Jesus working in you leads to you working on the problems that often lead to you having a lack of communication skills.
But, with this article, let’s talk practically, and specifically.
This article inspired me immensely, so, I decided to write my version of it.
Lack of Communication Problems and Solutions
Don’t be “that” couple, that has the same lack of communication problems after 20 years of marriage, simply because they didn’t know there was a problem, didn’t acknowledge the problem, or lacked the communication skills to fix the problem.
“Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before stumbling.”
No communication in marriage can improve, where the following categories are consistently prevalent and are not actively, and consistently being worked on.
1.) Pride– What causes the most occurrences of poor communication in marriage? PRIDE. PRIDE says:
“It’s not my fault!”
“I didn’t cause that.”
“You made me.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I didn’t know.”
“You should have told me.”
“I don’t care.”
“You should have stopped.”
“You should have told me.”
“I’m not apologizing.”
“You owe me an apology.”
The central message of pride is this, “you are to blame, not me.”
Quickly think about that message. We all agree that no one is perfect right?
*Spoken Word Poem*
No one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect/Perfectly
imperfect?/Those words are as absurd as saying “here’s a sinless
saint that curses/Look, no one who walks this earth’s surface is
perfect/ that’s truth’s final verdict/ but thank God for His Holy
comforter/in a cold world doomed, and headed to an infinite
furnace / thank you Abba, for your perfect purpose/ you’re a
perfect person making the perfect purchase/ freeing us from sin’s
grip, the circling service/
No one is perfect. Since that is true, imagine being in a relationship with someone whose heart, and mind are so hardened, so stubborn, that they refuse to admit or acknowledge blame.
Can a marriage survive without communication? No.
Can a marriage survive with communication, rooted in pride? No.
People are not oblivious of the extreme examples of pride and the problems that pride causes.
We are often aware of the devastating effects of pride.
However, what we often fail to see, is the many small occurrences of pride that cause huge marriage problems.
Having a happy marriage life, a marriage life rooted in joy is impossible without humility. Want to solve your marriage problems quickly?
Understand that in a relationship you will be wrong.
Learn to admit your faults.
Understand that imperfection is a embedded in our nature, and seek to get better at taking criticism.
2.) Lies– What causes lack of communication in marriage? Umm, you think lying plays a part?! We all lie. Yet, we hate being lied to. Sure, we may appreciate the pain a lie appears to “shield” us from.
And we may even like the false sense of confidence a “good” lie at the right time provides.
Despite that, lies cause more harm than good. Many people in relationships seem to think differently. Many people come up with justifications for a lie.
“I didn’t want to hurt you” or they will say, “I didn’t want you to leave me.”
Many rationalize and say, “Everyone lies.” What’s interesting is, instead of working on preventing the lies from occurring, people seek to control the circumstances of the lie.
Let me respond to one justification. Yes, everyone lies. It doesn’t make it right, or ok, and who wants to be consistently lied to?
No one wants to be consistently lied to, especially about something they really want the answer to. All lies are bad. Lies shouldn’t happen. Lies will happen. The lie I want to focus on is the consistent lie.
The consistency of lies leads to the consistency of problems because the solution often cannot be found if the information is false, to begin with.
No communication in marriage has a chance if communication is rooted in lies.
“And, frankly lies have FAR more consequences than truth does.”
3.) Selfishness– The greatest example of marriage we have is between Jesus and the church. That model is meant to be a heavenly example, of an earthly union. We can’t hope to copy that model with selfishness.
If you are the type of person to read books on communication in marriage and selflessness is not talked about, then put that book down. Especially, as a Christian. Isn’t selflessness one of the biggest attributes of Christ?
31 The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
We as humans make it about us though right? We get in relationships because someone we care about is giving us our needs and wants. If the supply to our desires runs dry, usually, so does our supposed “love” for that person.
That is a selfish approach to marriage. We all have selfish moments. What you need to keep self-checking yourself for is if your selfishness consistently doesn’t factor in the commitment you made to your marriage. Regardless of if all your wants or needs are not being met.
4.) Silence– You ever notice that there is a healthy balance in a conversation? You talk, the other person listens. You listen, the other person talks. What if you were talking, and talking, and talking and the other person said nothing?
Would that be a problem? I think so.
Let’s take a different approach. Your spouse shares their feelings with you. You say nothing. If they are sharing their feelings about their favorite food or movie, and you stay silent that shouldn’t be a problem. But, what if they share their feelings about something you have been doing poorly?
Something that they want you to work on? In that context, NOT saying something sends many negative messages. Negative messages that create negative feelings in your spouse.
One message silence tends to send is that you don’t care. And if one spouse perceives or feels that you don’t care, (usually over an extended period of time) then, the lack of communication becomes the new, hurtful, norm.
Keep in mind, not all silence is bad. We often need silence. Silence has its place.
Lack of communication sometimes poses as silence, when, in actuality, one is just communicating more efficiently. The communication ‘lack’ you should worry about is the unwillingness to communicate.
“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”
Just learn to live with your spouse according to knowledge. Learn when it’s time to speak, and time to talk.
Communication Problems in Marriage
You ever realize that communication in marriage isn’t difficult because one doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it? The problem in marriage communication is often finding what the exact problem is, honestly and respectfully discussing it, and thoroughly solving it.
Signs of poor communication in your marriage often include the list below.
5.) Neglect– Busy building a business? Busy chasing a career? Are kids getting most of your attention? How about your friends and family?
Not to mention that nowadays we have smartphones, social media, and…(insert your own example here).
Neglect is BOUND to happen. Do you know what’s worse than neglect? Your spouse not truly hearing how you feel about the neglect.
It will happen, unfortunately, and when it happens, the price you pay from that sucks.
We must remember that our spouse comes first, after Jesus. Now, what does it mean that your spouse comes first?
Let’s keep it simple. It means that their overall well being, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally has a significant priority. Not necessarily in a way to say that there is a numerical order.
It’s not like, “ok, I know the mortgage has to be paid today by 4 pm or I get a late fee, but, my wife wants to have a long talk and she comes first. I’ll talk about the late fee.”
6.) Disrespect– All of us are different. I tickle you, and you may fart. I tickle someone else, and they may hiccup. (that would be hilarious)
My point is, what may seem disrespectful to you, may not be disrespectful to someone else. However, that is a relativistic approach.
That is an approach that makes it seem that it is the context that determines right or wrong.
That isn’t the Christian approach. As Christians, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”Colossians 4:6
That should be our aim, as Christians period. And you take that principle into a Christian marriage.
The effects of disrespect are devastating. Disrespect attacks someone’s character. Disrespect attacks someone’s feelings, beliefs, ideas, and self-worth.
Disrespect sends the message, “I don’t value you as a human being.” How do you continue to converse with someone like that? How do you hope to achieve a mutual understanding with someone that doesn’t have mutual respect?
Impossible. And if by some chance it is possible, it isn’t a union that is loving or fruitful. The relationship will have no longevity.
7.) Ignorance– Pride alone is huge. But pride + ignorance….whewww. Man. Or woman…. that is tough. Why?
Because the spouse is suffering, and they don’t know how to communicate that.
Because the spouse causing the suffering cannot see how.
Because the spouse doesn’t know where, or how to seek help.
Then, what happens? A cyclical routine of pain, problems, stress, anger, depression, and hopelessness.
8,) Lack of romance/sex– Sex was intended to be fully enjoyed in marriage. The desire for sex is compelling. A very powerful desire that God sought to funnel into marriage. What typically happens is that the husband expects sexual frequency and stops being romantic.
Women usually crave the emotional connection that romance from the man they love provides.
What also usually happens from my observation is that women sometimes have selfish and unrealistic views of romance and start using sex as a weapon to shape the behavior of their husbands.
Both situations drastically cause deep problems in marriage. How does communication then suffer? Communication then becomes a manipulative tool to get what one selfishly wants in their marriage.
9.) Complacency– We all go through it. We get comfortable. In the beginning, boyfriends intending to become husbands fill the ears of their potential wives with sweet words, promises, expectations, and kindness.
The boyfriends become a husband, and automatically the gear switches from “trying to woo her” to “I got her and she isn’t going anywhere.” (women are guilty of this too)
In long-term relationships neglect eventually happens for various reasons. When this happens, communication becomes a ritual, instead of a spiritual connection of lovers, and partners that are husbands and wives.
Hopefully, a husband and wife become a husband and a wife because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone.
In that case, why would you indirectly force your spouse to deal with your lack of desire to consistently improve yourself or your marriage FOR your spouse?
10.)Lack of submission to God
I don’t want to make this point too theological. I want this blog to be for the layman. The casual reader of the Bible. The person curious about Jesus, and casually looking into him. I want this blog to be read by a person who isn’t deeply theologically inclined.
But, at the same time, I desire it to carry a depth respected by people like my mentor Pastor Thom Schultz, Pastor, Theologian, Apologist, and Philosopher. Or like Pastors like my favorite Pastor, John Macarthur. (love me some ‘daddy Mac’!)
Let me keep it simple. The human condition sucks. The human earthly condition needs a heavy dose of heavenly help. We often seek help from other imperfect humans or other imperfect sources.
It takes a perfect person, to perfectly work on the imperfect person. Hence Jesus.
What do I mean by that? What do I mean by it takes the perfect to work on the imperfect?
If your hands were dirty, and you planned on eating a meal with your hands, would you then seek to clean your hands in dirty water?
You would seek clean water, to clean your dirty hands, right? If you “cleaned” your hands in dirty water, then the cycle of dirty hands would be endless. So you seek a source at a better ‘state’ than your state to be able to improve that state right?
That is how I view the human condition.
We are sinful, deceitful, selfish, evil mortals. It is easy to see that when we do extremely bad things. It is often not easy to see the bad in the “good” we attempt to do. And that is one of the main reasons we need someone showing us the way.
Want to know how lack of the submission to Jesus leads to communication problems?
Here is the answer.
Everyone then makes themselves their Gods. Determining what is right or wrong in their own eyes. Those “rights” and “wrongs” are then consistently communicated in a marriage.
Many times unfairly and selfishly communicated to their spouse. Who then would be our moral ‘compass’? Directing our lives? If not a being perfected perfectly beyond our imperfections?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.